The Inside Straight

Things I Learned on the Internet This Week

We are SO lucky to have the Internet : great fountain of wisdom that it is !!

Did you know ?

Jesus Christ was NOT a Jew !!  He was really a blonde-haired, blue-eyed Pure Aryan , who came to warn us of the dangers of Zionism ; and, as a consequence , was crucified by the Romans as the result of a false flag operation conducted by the High Priests - who were the precursors of today's evil Mossad agents .

Wow ! And did you know ?

Last week, an American submarine torpedoed a North Korean ship that was bringing enriched uranium, and other high-tech, super sensitive materials to Iran. You can read the whole story right here - and, if you find yourself wondering why North Korea and Iran have remained silent , you are probably some kind of anti-semite ,and/or part of the plot yourself !

Did you know ?

Our troops are in Iraq so the Bush Family Criminal Enterprise can steal Iraqi oil. The mere fact Iraq is way down the list of our suppliers , and ships us only a bit more than we buy from Russia is to be ignored !! (Who knew we buy most of our oil from Canada ???)

We still buy a lot of oil from Iraq... Yes, I know the story says we've been buying less and less, but the Wisdom of the Web says it's all Blood for Oil !!

Oh, yes ! This just in !!

Karl Rove is due to be frog-marched out of the White House any minute now ! I know this is going to happen, because it was reported on the "Truthout" blog, and repeated lord knows how many times all over the world. Don't believe me ? Just type "frog march Rove" in the Google search box and see what you get !!

I hope none of you "sheeple" are disagreeing with any of this : It is, after all, on the very same Internet Al Gore has modestly refused to take credit for inventing...

Confessions of a "Cosmo" Browser

During Fathers' Day festivities, I couldn't help but notice one of my granddaughters had brought along a well-thumbed issue of "Cosmo" - which even the most trogloditic male will recognize as a "ladies' magazine".

Cosmo is, I suspect, really aimed at an audience of 30 and 40- somethings,who want to look - or at least dress and act - like 20-somethings ; but it pretends all of its readers are "hot",very liberated ,upwardly mobile young wymyn with money to burn.

One of the main thrusts (if you'll pardon the expression) of the issue was bikinis that would "turn heads" at the beach.

I glanced at the selection - and the accompanying prices - and concluded the price per square inch of these suits made them worth almost as much as actual US currency.

I also concluded they were not what the average 73 year-old male would wear to the beach - unless he were pursuing an exceptionally alternative lifestyle ( in which case, heads would definitely turn !)

Nonetheless, I realized - because they had been featured in "Cosmo" , these "bathing costumes" ( as our British cousins call them) would probably sell like hotcakes ...to women who really shouldn't wear things like this in public ...but who will anyway.

Usually, "Cosmo" has a "Special Advice" section - you know : " 12 Sex Tips That Will Drive Your Lover Mad !"  ( #12 : Remind him the ceiling needs painting when he's at that point !), but I didn't see one in this issue .

I guess they were too busy peddling bikinis.

Deer Mister Wine Snob

Deer Mister Wine Snob :

Mister Wine Snob answers yer bever-edge questions.

Deer Mister Wine Snob,

We-uns havin’ some kinfolk over to the double wide fer an "all-shootin’-irons-checked-at-the-door" whizbang this-here Memoriable Day . Maybe watch a li’l NASCAR on the 85 inch plasmer wide screen ?

We’re a thankin’ maybe roast possum (Fresh ! We don’t hold with servin’ roadkill – not even to fambly !) , blackeye peas, grits, greens, sweet taters,an’ such-like.

The wimminfolks been watchin’ summa them cookin’ shows on tv,an’ say we oughta act a li’l more classy, now we got a widescreen. They thank we oughter put out some wine , ‘stead a settin’ out washtubs of good ol’ iced beer.

Whatta you thank ?

(Pur-plexed in Persimmon Hollow)

Deer Pur-plexed,

I’m gonna have to side with the ladies on this-un. Tubs a beer ain’t got no pan-atchey , know what I’m sayin’ ?

Now you-uns got a 85" widescreen , you gotta show jes a mite more class !

Lookin’ at yer menu, I suggest good ol’ Boone’s Farm apple flavor wine: it’s bubbly, has what we wine snobs call "an amusing flavor" , an’ it don’t suffer none from bein’ poured inta paper cups.

That’s right, hoss : paper cups .

Boone’s Farm has a way o’ sneakin’ up on ya – an’ , if yer fambly’s anythang lak mine, next thang ya know, ya got people throwin’ stuff around.

You want somebody chuckin’ a wineglass at yer widescreen ?

Thought not !

Mr. Wine Snob sez : "Safety first , hear ? "

ps: Somebody recently persuaded me to sip a glass of wine with my dinner. Okay: "dinner" was something we call "glop" : hamburger cooked in a mix of noodles and stewed tomato. What kind of wine do you drink with THAT ?

EXTRA ! EXTRA !! Saddam Hussein Speaks !!

The Senate Intelligence Committee declared yesterday there was no relationship between Saddam Hussein ,al-Qaeda , and 9/11.

How did they know this ?

Well, the CIA said so -and EVERYBODY knows THEY don't make mistakes !

They offered this interrogation transcript as proof:

Interrogator: Okay ,Mr. Fearless  Former Leader of Iraq. Is it okay if I call you that ?

Saddam : That would be copacetic. Thank you for the Cheezits, by the way !

Interrogator : That's Cheez-its (tm), sir. The manufacturers get pretty shirty if you forget to mention the business about Cheez-its being a Registered Trademark of the Sunshine Biscuit Company.

Saddam : (Purses lips) Oooh... I'll have to remember that.

Interrogator: What can you tell me about Osama bin Laden ?

Saddam: Never hoid of de guy ! Just kidding . Just kidding ! Osama...yeah.(Munches on snack) We did lunch a few times-back in the day.

Interrogator: Let me cut to the chase: How much help did you give Osama ? Did you help him do 9/11 ?

Saddam: Nah ! I did help a guy named Osama buy a 7/11 in....I think it was in Canarsie. He was one of my third wife's cousin's sons-in-law.Something like that. Bastard never paid me back,either !

Interrogator: Was he kind of squinty-eyed and ...I dunno "oily" ?

Saddam: That's him ! He rip you off too ?

Interrogator: Five bucks for a box of Cheez-its (tm) ! Okay. We're done here.Enjoy your crackers,and have a nice day !

(Later,back at CIA office, Interrogator types out his report.)

"Pressed closely about his relationship with Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein said he barely knew the man, and did not trust him."

See ? There you have it ! Case closed, wishful - thinkers !!

12th Mahdi Late for Unholy Communion Breakfast - Iran's Mullahs Mutter Mutinously !

Muhammad al Muntazar (The Awaited One) was scheduled to meet with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for an Unholy Communion Breakfast , immediately prior to delivery of the Iranian response to UN demands the Shi'ite theocracy cease and desist from Uranium enrichment...but is, thus far, a "no show".

The Iranian Mullahs, who make up Iran's Unholy Name Society, had risen at dawn to prepare offerings of halal goat's meat, and had agonized for hours over proper and respectful place settings for the 12th Mahdi and whatever guests he might summon from the depths of the sacred well, and were said to be "quite put-out,actually" at their guest's failure to materialize.

The Mahdi , who disappeared from mortal view in the 9th Century ,had - quite suddenly and unexpectedly - revealed himself to Iranian President Mahmoud (We got nukes ! Hoo boy have we got nukes !) Ahmadinejad shortly after that worthy was chosen for office : some said, because Ahmadinejad was a "twelver" like you wouldn't believe . (Twelvers believe in the Return of the Mahdi - 12th successor to the Prophet (his name be bless-ed) Mohammad. The Mahdi is supposed to rule as Supreme Imam of a world-wide (Shi'ite) Islamic Caliphate : a proposition which alarms and annoys Sunni Muslims no end. )

Meanwhile, back at the Mosque, a myriad of miffed Mullahs are milling around, muttering mutinously as swarms of flies make off with the Mahdi's meat.

Will the 12th Mahdi return to bring about a glorious worldwide jihad ? Will the UN step in with its usual competence and censure Israel for Iran's failure to abandon nuclear weapons ?

The world waits breathlessly,as hungry,buzzing flies (surely a sign of Shaitan !) dine on halal goats' meat.