The Inside Straight

Turning scraps of data into intelligence is like trying to fill an inside straight: You need patience -and a bit of luck !

New Style Farming ?

I grew up on a farm , and remember - even now - what back-breaking work it was: freezing cold in the winter,suffocatingly hot in the summer ; spending hours every day cleaning out piles of manure, helping spread it on our fields and gardens , and trying to scrub the smell of it off our bodies.

Now, it appears, the US Department of Agriculture has been sending checks to dead farmers  - not just a few thousand dollars worth , but billions !

I don't know.

Dad belonged to the Grange. My brothers and I were all in 4-H. We got "The Rural New Yorker" and other farm magazines on a regular basis . We all knew about contour plowing , the finer points of dairy cattle , and "what to do till the vet arrives" ...but nobody mentioned post-mortem subsidies ; and, if anyone was collecting them,they stayed mighty quiet about it !

I don't know which is worse: knowing about these subsidies-or knowing you are at least 50 years too late to cash in on them !

July 23, 2007 in Sarcastic Response to Gross Aggravations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Paris Hilton ! Paris HILTON !! PARIS HILTON !!!

I had managed to get through most of the day without thinking of Paris Hilton , when I noticed a new convertible in front of me-occupied by two twenty-something-streaked hair-lovelies. A sticker on the right side said : "Follow me to Hooters". A sticker on the left said : "Wenches have more fun".

This was deeply troubling.

I found myself wondering if Paris Hilton was having fun - locked away as she was in a jail cell, at the order of a cruel,unfeeling judge.

I also wondered how many hits this blog would get if I mentioned Paris Hilton enough times.

( Paris Hilton - PARIS Hilton- Paris HILTON- PARIS HILTON)

Alas, poor Paris Hilton !

Did you know Ms Hilton - who became an overnight media sensation after performing a series of "instructive copulatory exercises" before live cameras (just to illustrate wenches DO have more fun)-was initially released from jail by the Sheriff, because- among other things-she was reluctant to use the toilet in her cell  ? (It seems she feared someone would take her picture with one of those accursed cell phone cameras .)

Speaking of cell phones, Paris Hilton might have one right there in jail. Inmates don't generally get to have cell phones. (Jails have all these Neo-Fascist rules !) Nonetheless, Paris managed to call Barbara Walters and let her know  she had learned her lesson, that she was being brave ,and that her jailers had no fashion sense whatsoever ! (Okay, maybe she didn't exactly say that...)

The traffic light ahead turned red, and, as I pulled to a stop behind the two lovelies in the convertible,I noticed some vandal had defaced their "Wenches have more fun" sticker : painstakingly scraping off the "N" in "Wenches".

Who would do such a thing? and Why ?

Was it the work of some ardent Feminist ? A brave defense of Family Values ? A demonstration for more inclusiveness in bumper stickers by a member of the Gay Community ? Mere vandalism by a jealous ex-boyfriend or girlfriend ?

I got quite intrigued with this new puzzle: so intrigued that actual minutes had passed by before I realized I wasn't thinking about Paris Hilton any more !

How many of you have experienced the trauma of not-thinking-about-Paris Hilton -very- much ?

Whoa ! That many huh ?

It's good to know I'm not alone !

ps: Paris Hilton ! Paris HILTON !!  PARIS HILTON !!!

June 12, 2007 in Sarcastic Response to Gross Aggravations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Deliver Us From the Clutches of the Clueless !

I've been attending my late wife's church - in honor of her memory - and find it comforting in many ways.

There is, however, one prayer I think should be added to the Liturgy :

"Save us, oh Lord , from the clutches of the Clueless !"

The Clueless - like the demons of yore - are legion- and a sore affliction unto the spirit.

For Instance: Many years ago, I had a mail order musical accessories business, and, when inventory began to exceed demand, would sell off the surplus -mostly guitar strings-at a local flea market.

One day, a woman came to a sudden halt in front of my table, and pointed at the display of guitar strings. "What are those ?", she barked. She was in "late mid-life" - which seems to produce an unattractive mixture of ignorance and arrogance in some folks. " They are guitar strings", I answered politely.

" I knew that ", she snarled. " I CAN read ! "

"Well: What are they USED for ?"

Hoo boy ! I didn't want to get into Music Theory 101- with this lady , but I picked up an old guitar anyway, and showed her how the strings were fastened , and how they produced a sound when plucked.

The woman sniffed indignantly. " I never heard of such a thing !"

" Where did you think music came from ? ", I asked curiously.

" Everybody knows THAT ! ", she snapped, turning to leave. " You just turn the stereo on !"

Clueless people have a special affinity for motor vehicles of all sorts. Over the course of an average day, you are sure to meet at least a dozen.

For example, if one lane of a highway is marked with signs indicating the lane will end in 1000',large numbers of motorists will enter that lane : drawn by some force Science cannot fully explain. When the signs indicate the lane will end in 500', the number of drivers -and their speed-will increase dramatically. 200' from the actual merge point, these Clueless souls will begin trying to bulldoze their way back into traffic-so they can cut off those few who have the good sense to at least try merging at the merge point. (Much horn blowing, finger display,and dismay will ensue.)

In our state, special lanes have been set aside to speed the passage of commuter busses. Motorists who enter these lanes are pounced upon eagerly by waiting police cars,and even the most Clueless learn they are not welcome in a "Bus Only" lane.

What is one to make of Clueless bus drivers , who, having a clear, unobstructed lane open before them ,will nonetheless veer from that lane into a congested lane of traffic (One MUST yield to them !),travel along for a few hundred feet, and swing back into their own reserved lane ?

The Clueless migrate into bureacracies of all sorts.

Some have become a part of the "No Child Left Behind" program, which has - in one large school district- given birth to a program in which the mentally handicapped (We're talking youngsters whose mental abilities make them eminently employable in closely supervised sheltered workshops ) are "mainstreamed" by hiring "Mentors" , who attend classes with them, take notes and do the work for them, and prepare them for (I'm not kidding !) college - where, similarly mentored, they will earn degrees (probably qualifying them -in the fullness of time -to become No Child Left Behind Administrators .)

Speaking from personal experience, I could cite a nameless-but-clueless functionary in the IRS,who, after being duly and officially notified of my wife's death, caused a refund check to be issued to me and to "Ruth Deceased ". (Fortunately,the bank teller-who was NOT clueless-merely shrugged,said something about "Your tax dollars at work ",and accepted the check for deposit.) 

Similarly, I wound up sending a check for 58 cents to a large department store, where my wife had a small charge account account. The store, as a "service" to its customers, offered "Purple Cow" life insurance policies (payable in the event the customer is gored to death by a purple cow;but otherwise a "cash cow" for the wholly-owned subsidiary).

When their bill came in, after my wife's passing, I declined to pay it: pointing out , that since she was deceased , there was no earthly reason to continue paying life insurance premiums.

This motivated one of the Clueless to open correspondence with me : addressed to ( I'm quoting exactly) " Dear Unknow". The correspondence urged me to send all sorts of documentation to the personal attention of the undersigned. (Naturally, the letter was unsigned...)

About two weeks later, I received a demand for payment of 58 cents. Presumably the policy had been in full force and effect for some microscopic-but-measurable time period during the final day of her life.

I thought about this for a moment . It was clear to me my Clueless Correspondent would be not only willing, but actually eager to spend any amount of Company money to recover that 58 cents. Given the cost of preparing, handling, and mailing to date, I figured  CC had to have expended at least 10 dollars.

Close enough for government work ! I mailed the check for 58 cents : taking care to use one of their prepaid postage envelopes.

It seemed a suitably clueless thing to do.

May 08, 2007 in Sarcastic Response to Gross Aggravations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Serendipity Redefined by Crow and Tenet

It's almost too good to be true !

On the day (thankfully) former CIA head George Tenet announces the release of his "tell-all book", musician Sheryl Crow suggests we reduce our use of toilet paper.

" Just one square !" is her battle cry.

Now, instead of using toilet paper , we can gladden the heart of Ms Crow by using pages from George Tenet's book : thus improving the environment - in more ways than one !

Seriously,folks I'm glad I lead a sheltered life ... and am unlikely to find myself downwind of Sheryl Crow - or George Tenet, for that matter.

April 23, 2007 in Sarcastic Response to Gross Aggravations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Things I Learned From the Alex Jones 9/11 "Truthers" Today

WARNING !! The information you are about to read is from the TOP SECRET FILES of the Alex Jones 9/11 "Truthers !!! Dissemination on the Internet is strictly required !!!

  1. Rudy Guiliani became nationally famous as a result of his response to the 9/11 attack. He is now considering a run for President. THEREFORE : there will be another terror attack upon the US in order to promote his candidacy !
  2. A "data mining" system  proposed by the National Security Council is actually a mechanism that has been put into place so that the New World Order can control the people of the Earth more easily. It is NOT just a proposal: IT IS  IN USE NOW ,and is monitoring the fact you have read this sentence,you poor devil !
  3. There is a Republican Gay Underground Railroad. (Porno Film at eleven.)
  4. Boeing is fitting its aircraft with "illegal devices that could enable terrorists to remotely hijack airliners: thereby  enabling the terrorists to crash them into high profile targets, such as the World Trade Center (Nudge-nudge !)
  5. The CIA has infiltrated the Media from top to bottom. Again.
  6. High-ranking FBI officials facilitated the Oklahoma City Bombings because they could .
  7. In view of the foregoing,and in view of the planned North American Union, and the prison camps (set up to imprison White people like you who had the courage to read these words),you should ELECT RON PAUL  President -for - Life. (Yes, we know. We'll amend the damn constitution, since you want to be damn picky ! Sheesh !!) 

March 08, 2007 in Sarcastic Response to Gross Aggravations | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

The Alex Jones 9/11 "Truthers" : a Spam Scam

You may have read about the Alex Jones 9/11 Truthers (AJTs), and how they distort history for fun and profit:  ( 9/11 was an Inside Job ! The Zionists Are Coming ! Bilderbergers Make Blood Sacrifices to Moloch ! Homeland Security is Setting Up Concentration Camps ! ) 

The name of the game for AJTs is to get you to click on the links to their hair-raising stories .

Once you do so, your Internet ID - in the form of a "cookie" , registers (more or less permanently) on their visitor stats, where it may be "harvested" by the site owner, and sold to those lovable folks: the Spammers.

In addition, while you are on the AJT site, you may be attracted by one of the ads - of which there are plenty. This results in additional revenue to the AJT site owner,and might result in you making a purchase from one of the AJT affiliates , or signing up for one of their multitudinous "get-rich-quick" programs....which typically leave the eager investor holding the short end of a very expensive stick.

The Internet is proving a virtual goldmine for the AJT crowd as its smarter charlatans post their garbage on discussion sites, and exasperate the participants into clicking on their links and reading their nonsense in an effort to prove them wrong.

My advice is simple : The next time you see an AJT story on your discussion board, ignore it !

Things that sound too good or too bad to be true are almost always false.

The Alex Jones 9/11 Truthers chuckle all the way to the bank every time we forget this .

(If you really enjoy getting email from Nigerian scammers, purveyors of worthless stock,and people who want to sell you "performance enhancing" drugs, forget I said anything ! )

March 04, 2007 in Sarcastic Response to Gross Aggravations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Alex Jones 9/11 Truthers Launch " Spring Offensive "

As February ends, and March blows in, con men of all sorts begin to gear up for a "spring offensive" on the unwary. Those monstrous charlatans, the "Alex Jones 9/11 Truthers" (AJTs for short) are already out there: striving mightily to saturate the Internet with their inane and offensive conspiracy rants. 

One of the current rants claims BBC and CNN reported the collapse of WTC Building 7-sometimes called the Solaman Building-22 minutes before it actually collapsed.

Their "evidence " for this is a BBC split screen shot -which the AJTs insist was a live video feed. The shot shows the burning Twin Towers about a mile in the distance and the Solaman Building in the right foreground-undamaged in all respects. ("Ta-daah !", they cry. " See for yourself !!")

I do know a wee bit about NYC ,and I know the Towers and the Solaman Building (which happens to be 47 stories high,by the way) were not that far apart ! This projection might help. Here is another graphic showing the area.

1. Was there actually a "live feed" camera ; and, if so, where was it sited ?

2. If it is so close to the Solaman Building, that it can look down on the roof , doesn't common sense tell us we are looking at a stock shot - made long before 9/11-probably from a helicopter ?  (If we were not , how would we be able to see Bldg. 47 at all - considering the dense clouds of smoke and dust  that close to the scene ?)

3. Doesn't the same common sense tell us BBC wanted to give the impression it was "on top of the story" , and used a very common graphic device - a split screen image , projected to appear like a view through a window - and showing images obtained much earlier ?

4. BBC , which (unaccountably) aired some of this AJT nonsense recently -using AJT tapes ,says it doesn't know where its own original tapes are. ("Aha !", the Truthers say. " Coverup !!" )

There are other wild and wooly AJT claims : "VP Cheney directed plane to fly into the Pentagon" , "Bilderbergs engage in human sacrifice" , "Neo-cons planning prison camps for loyal Americans", and those tried-and-true "standards" : "The Evil Zionists are going to get us" ...presumably after the Mexicans march up that new highway to force us to join the dreaded North American Union (something they even have Jerome Corsi and Lou Dobbs ranting about).

If you want to believe crap like this , feel free to join a movement that has as much significance as the Fabled Flea : climbing up an elephant's leg with intentions of rape.

Actually, with all their bullhorns and bullcrap, the Alex Jones 9/11 Truthers remind me of another story about the Fabled Flea. It seems he was observed floating down the river on his back, sporting a microscopic erection, and screaming " Open the drawbridge ! Open the drawbridge !!"

March 03, 2007 in Sarcastic Response to Gross Aggravations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Soft-Hearted Saddam: Read the Story,Buy the Book,Watch the Movie, Wear the Official Tee Shirt !

Now that Saddam has been hanged by the neck until dead, the Mainstream Media can't seem to stop gushing over the Butcher of Baghdad .

We are told - by an Army Master Sergeant who acted as his "medic"-Saddam saved  bread crumbs from his meals, and fed them to the little birds. He smoked cigars, and watered some scraggly weeds in his prison compound. Oh-oh-oh !

Nothing (or as close to nothing as possible) is being said about the Kurds: men, women, and children; who died horribly-by the thousands- when "Dear ol Saddam" had them gassed ; and nothing is being said about opponents of his Stalinist regime, who were fed: feet first into woodchippers.It-it just wouldn't be seemly to speak ill of this fine Socialist leader !

I'm sure there will be books, detailing "The Last Days of Saddam" ; " The Martyrdom of Saddam Hussein" ; "Saddam Hussein : Fallen Saviour" and the like.

Hollywood will get in on the act - (I'm sure the scripts were approved long before his execution !) - and a bloody tyrant will be memorialized as some sort of Robin Hood who fell while resisting the seizure of Iraq's oil wealth by cruel and craven American Neo-Cons.

There will, of course, be a song to go along with the movie : performed by someone "happening"-whose vocal range far exceeds his/her ability to actually carry a tune.

Finally, there will be a tee shirt, with a dramatic image of Saddam - (brandishing a rifle, perhaps)-and the words "SADDAM FED THE SPARROWS !" - on the front . On the back , it will probably say: "HE GAVE US HOPE !! "

And, from the mass graveyards of Iraq, where so many of Saddam's victims still wait to be identified and claimed, the silent legions of skulls will grin derisively...

January 01, 2007 in Sarcastic Response to Gross Aggravations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

In Honor of Kofi Annan.............NOT !

(Tune : " Bill Bailey " )

Won’t you go home, Mr. Kofi

Won’t you go home ?

I shout the whole day long –

Pick up your offshore money

And get on home there sonny-

You know you done us wrong !

Remember poor Rwanda –

All them poor dead babies ?

You shrugged them off

With such aplomb !

Oughta hang your head in shame

‘Cause your UN was to blame –

Mr. Kofi won’t you please go home ?

Bring back John Bolton-

Mr. Kofi get your be-hind home !

December 12, 2006 in Sarcastic Response to Gross Aggravations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

John Kerry,We Understood You Perfectly !

Golly, gee, folks: John F. Kerry has issued what he calls an apology : "I'm sorry some people misinterpreted what I said..."

Hey ! We understood you loud and clear the first time !

You meant to denigrate the troops: to suggest they were serving in Iraq because they were too poorly educated to do much of anything else; to suggest they were dumb slobs, being used as cannon fodder.

We knew what you meant.

We knew what you meant "back in the day" , when you used the celebrity gained by political connections and dubious medals to bad-mouth the troops you left behind in Vietnam; to testify before the US Senate that they were "war criminals"; to take part in near-seditious private negotiations with the North Vietnamese who were killing those troops ; to join hands with those who wanted nothing less than the violent overthrow of the government.

Somehow -(God alone knows how !)- you managed to get elected and re-elected to high office .You were even nominated for President !

You were a puffed-up, snarky excuse for a Senator then - and you haven't improved a bit over the years !

Do us all a big favor: Shut up. Go sail  your yacht,or visit the Riviera ,or check on your overseas investments for a while.We'll manage without you quite nicely, thank you !

Whatever you do, please don't claim we "misunderstood" you !

November 01, 2006 in Sarcastic Response to Gross Aggravations | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

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