The Inside Straight

Ms Rabbit Reviews the World Air Guitar Championship Contest

Ms Rabbit Reviews the Air Guitar Championships

Ms Rabbit has those side-mounted eyes – unlike us predatory Humans who look straight ahead – and you'd think that would affect her reading skills ; but the only difference I've noticed is that she catches all those little “side stories” most of us ignore. Today, she was all hepped up about somebody winning the Air Guitar World Championship.

“You're putting me on !” , I protested . (Rabbits are notorious for fooling Humans. They'll tell you almost anything to avoid becoming a dinner entree !)

“ I saw it right on Yahoo News”, she responded . “ You can check it out for yourself.”

I rolled my eyes, but she went ahead with her yarn.

“It was in Oulu,Finland-right up by the Arctic Circle. And the contest was sponsored by the Teatria Rock Club-though I should think – that far north, they'd have a snowball club.”

I rolled my eyes again. Ms Rabbit likes her little jokes : the stupider the better.

“ A Japanese man named Ochi Yosuke won the contest, beating out Oulu native Hikka ( Gore Kitty) Suvanto, a Frenchman named Guillaume (Moche Pitt) de Tonquedec, an Austrian named Max (Herr Jaquelin) Heller, and an American named Andrew Litz (who calls himself “ William Ocean”, and whose act always ends with a “spectacular back flip onto an empty beer can” , according to the reporter. “

This seemed like quite a bit of detail for a rabbit fabulation - ( I call them “Rabbit Tales” ) - so I asked a question. “ What was the prize ?”

“ It was a good one : a custom made Flying Finn electric guitar- valued at $ 3400. “

“ Huh !”, I exclaimed. “ I wonder what ...what's his name ?”

“ Ochi Yosuke.”

“I wonder what Ochi Yosuke is going to do with an actual guitar ? I wonder if he would even know how to tune it – much less play it.”

Ms Rabbit looked shocked. “ He's a World Champion !”, she exclaimed.

“ I don't know how to break this to you, but Air Guitar players only make believe they are holding a real guitar. They pretend to play a tune that somebody else recorded .

It's sort of like those “boy bands” where they all dance around and lip-synch. Know what I mean ? “

“Gotcha !”, cried Ms Rabbit. “ Woodchuck likes to lip synch “David Seville and the Chipmunks “ stuff. Boy, does he look stupid ,pretending to be Alvin !”

“ And you “, she added, edging closer to the rose bush. “ I've heard you play mandolin – if that's what you want to call it. “

As my jaw dropped, she edged all the way under bush, but I could hear her quite well, thank you !

“When you play “Four Green Fields”, she snickered. “How come it sounds like “Three Blind Mice” ? “

Folks sometimes ask me how I know Ms Rabbit is a “she”. That's easy : She generally gets in the last word, and, when she does, it's a zinger !

Ms Rabbit,Gay Marriage, and Government Grants

Ms Rabbit Learns About Gay Marriage and Government Grants

Ms Rabbit was all in a dither this morning about a news story she had seen on TV.

I've tried to warn her about TV newscasts , which are more about stirring up emotions (thus increasing ratings and revenue) , than they are about imparting facts ; but she sort of tunes me out.

She is also very, very conservative – and hates surprises : traits I attribute to her constant worry about hungry predators - ( not that there's anything wrong with that !)

She was so agitated, she could barely speak; but, after sipping a cup of camomile tea, she settled down enough to tell me what was wrong.

It seems some gays in the little seaside community of Ocean Grove, New Jersey want to celebrate same sex unions – now legally recognized in this state- at the Ocean Grove Pavilion ; but the strictly Methodist Ocean Grove Camp Meeting Association – which owns the Pavilion – is opposed to the idea. The gays want to have the State Division of Human Rights compel the association to permit the ceremonies-even though it violates the Association's religious beliefs.

“ This is interference with freedom of religion !”, Ms Rabbit cried. “ Besides, I find the idea of same sex unions rather ...repugnant. We rabbits follow the ancient teaching : Eat fruit and multiply !”

“ Mmm... I'd heard that. “

As it happens, there was an excellent article in the Home News Tribune by Rick Malwitz http://www.thnt.com about that very subject. Ocean Grove, NJ is a bit of an oddity:

the property on which the town was built is wholly owned by the Ocean Grove Camp Meeting Association : a group formed in 1870 to provide devout Methodists with a seashore resort of their own. The land on which all homes and stores are built is leased to the property holders for $ 10 per year , on 99 year leases. ; but,as Rick points out, home buyers know,before moving in, they are entering an unconventional arrangement.

When it was first started, Ocean Grove was a tent city, but, over the years, tents gave way to summer cottages, and cottages gave way to prime examples of Victorian -style year-round homes.

As time went by, the fine Victorian homes became increasingly shabby; but then a small miracle occurred : gay people found the quiet little town attractive, and began refurbishing the housing stock. This attracted others, and what Malwitz describes as “a thriving gay community” began to take shape. Housing prices increased markedly : inspiring others to follow the property improvement lead of their less conventional neighbors.

I explained all this to Ms Rabbit – who still wanted to know how the State could have any standing to regulate the affairs of a religious group on its own private property.

“It just so happens,” I said, “ Ocean Grove has been the recipient of government grants. They received $ 250,000 from the Federal government to repair the boardwalk -and-the roof of the Ocean Grove Pavilion ,following a 1992 hurricane; and they are still receiving a $ 500,000 a year tax break from the State under the Green Acres program. Government grants always have certain strings attached . For example, that Green Acres grant encourages the use of private space for public purposes.”

“ So you see”, I concluded. “ It doesn't matter whether you approve or disapprove of same sex unions – because – as a matter of law, they have already been approved by the State as having legitimate public purpose ; and the State has been paying for the upkeep of that pavilion.”

Ms Rabbit sniffed indignantly, hopped off to her burrow under the rosebush, and began watching a “Bugs Bunny” cartoon.

( In case you're wondering, I do not provide a cable hookup for her. She has a perfectly good set of rabbit ears.)

Ms Rabbit Reviews the Morning News

Ms Rabbit Reviews the Morning News

Ms Rabbit hopped up to the patio this morning , and waited patiently for me to read her the morning news.

Now you may well ask why I read the newspaper out loud to a rabbit. Be assured I have excellent reasons for doing so !

I used to let her scoot out front and get the paper. That saved me all the searching and stooping , but- between you and me-wiping rabbit saliva off a newspaper is not one of my favorite morning chores !

She also has the detestable habit of registering her disapproval of certain stories by depositing ( How should I put this ?) “rabbit pellets” right on the offending page. As you might imagine, this pretty much spoils any pleasure I might get out of the comics - (Did I mention she hogs them ?) - and doing the crossword puzzle is out of the question !

So this young, single, suburban rabbit and I have reached a compromise : she sits and listens :twitching her ears to show she is alert, munching choice bits of clover, and doing rabbit things with her nose. I sip my coffee and read selected stories aloud. ( By the way, rabbits may like this sort of thing, but most people don't like someone reading to them first thing in the morning-especially when they haven't even had a chance to look at the comics yet. )

Ms Rabbit is also rather...unsophisticated.

This morning , after I read her a story about Presidential Candidate Barack Obama unveiling an exciting new reform plan for lobbyists, she stopped eating, looked at me sidewise in that rabbity way and said : “That sounds like the bi-partisan bill that just passed both houses. The President is expected to sign it into law next week.”

“You don't understand !”, I exclaimed. “ Barack Obama is a reformer , who wants to clean up American politics, by ending the insidious influence of lobbyists.”

“ Oh”, said Ms Rabbit. “ Does that mean he will give up all those campaign contributions from George Soros ? You remember him, don't you ? The billionaire convicted inside trader,who launders his contributions through groups like MoveOn and other “progressive foundations” ,and who bet millions on reducing the value of the American dollar ?”

“ Listen,” said my furry companion. “ I gotta run ; but first...” She squatted briefly, then took off like a flash.

Damn ! I wish she would at least move off the patio before leaving her “letters to the editor” !!

A Labor Day Morning Conversation With Ms Rabbit

It was about 5:30 AM , and just starting to get light when Ms Rabbit hopped up to join me on the patio.

She's a young suburban single who like to stop by, nibble a little clover or dandelion ,and chat for a while.I do most of the talking,because she's usually too polite to talk with her mouth full. She mostly sits there munching, and doing rabbit things with her nose and ears - but this morning she had some questions.

"Are you planning to write something about Labor Day ? ", she wondered. " You know: the usual stuff about how much we love and respect THE AMERICAN WORKER - especially right before elections ; and how we are so indebted to our Workers that we ship the really tedious and monotonous jobs overseas so our Workers won't have to do them ?"

Ms Rabbit ,feigning disinterest in my answer, located a juicy dock leaf, and began nibbling : glancing slyly at me out of the corner of her eye.

"Ummm...," I responded. " That's kind of a tricky question. Outsourcing, trade relationships with developing nations,new realities in the Global Age...I'm going to have to get back to you on that one."

" Umm..,yourself !", she snapped." I think you're ducking and dodging ! "  (This statement came out a bit muffled, because she still had a mouthful of leaf.)

"Look at who's talking about ducking and dodging !" , I scoffed. " I saw what you did when that black and white cat showed up last week !"

" Oh. That's it: you're going to attack the messenger now !"

She twitched her nose . " Well ? Nothing to say ??"

"Hassenpfeffer !" , I hissed.

There was a brief pause while she Googled the word on her little BunniPod ; then she was gone: moving like a bolt of brown and white lightning across the yard.

Call me an old grouch, but -If there's anything I can't stand first thing in the morning, it's a smartass rabbit !!

Happy Labor Day !

Much High Definition Ado About Nothing

It has been a very ...uninspiring morning so far,and, out of sheer boredom, I decided to watch the much-touted High Definition channels on TV.

Wow ! Very clear images of Flipper !

Flipper ?

Tell me this isn't a “Flipper” re-run I'm watching !

But it is, and here's this critter: poking its head above water, and clicking and chirping away,in an effort to lure two pre-adolescent boys into investigating a boat somebody has concealed with branches.

There is obviously some sort of inter-species thing going on , and, much as I defend the right of others to make alternative lifestyle choices,this looks a bit “fishy”-if you get my drift. Time to change channels.

Here we go: “Charmed” in HD format. ( Attractive 20-something-posing-as-teen-age witch has relationship conflicts with assorted attractive males and females : some of whom also have “powers”.)

Commercials were much better than the plot – which is identical to the non-HD version !

European Sports (click),game show (click), art gallery (click) ......ah, movies !

“Return of the Living Dead” - something about zombies in Kentucky . I wonder why the young woman keeps walking downstairs and calling out “Who's there ?” after hearing suspicious noises downstairs ?? (Click).

Tail end of an Italian language film. English sub-titles – dialog incomprehensible anyway.

Aha ! Martial arts film...in Greek; English sub-titles – dialog even more incomprehensible than the action. ( Lots of cinema noir camera technique , which serves to make the film even more confusing...click !)

Then I remember: my computer screen is High Definition too ! What's shakin' on Yahoo ??

Ummm... Not much. How about celebrities.

Hey: here's something about Brad Pitt.

http://omg.yahoo.com/brangelina-in-chicago/photos/445;_ylt=ArMUBnCMCPK4pKe3yZo8g06Apxx.

He's depicted stepping off a private jet in Chicago with one of the “Brangelina” kiddies.

Wait a second ! Isn't that the same Brad Pitt described as being devoted to “Green” save-the-environment construction here ?

http://omg.yahoo.com/brad-pitt-stops-by-green-project-site/news/1892;_ylt=AlzTraaHl0ETNWB_HY4VnIyApxx.

Q. What is he doing on an environment-destroying private jet ??

A. Brad is a celebrity, silly ! He's allowed to destroy anything he wants !!

In HD , no less !

Traces of Marburg Discovered in Certain African Fruit Bats

Marburg, an Ebola-like filovirus appears and disappears in Africa - seemingly without rhyme or reason : each outbreak leaving a trail of dead and dying people.

Researchers have long believed the virus was endemic in some species of animal,which acted as  a "reservoir"  between human outbreaks ; and, in recent years, attention has been focused on the many species of cave bats - in part, because of a seeming correlation between small scale gold mining -carried out -often surreptitiously- in caves,and outbreaks of the dreaded disease.

Now, an international team,working in Gabon, has discovered tantalizing evidence that a very specific species of fruit bat might be the carrier.

Following the testing of 1100 bats, representing 10 different species, one species : Rousettus aegyptiacus , showed positive traces of Marburg in its RNA and/or traces of antibodies for the disease.

Research is continuing in an effort to determine whether this bat species is a "true reservoir" of the virus, or whether it-like Man-merely suffers from periodic outbreaks of Marburg.

The "miracles in health care" we have come to take for granted all have their roots in unexciting , often exasperating research like this: research being carried out by people who care : people we consider "unimportant" and take for granted.

Extra ! Extra !! Crimes by Non-Aliens Reported !!

For at least two years, I've been reading hair-raising reports about crimes committed by illegal aliens : murders, rapes, robberies, drunken driving,and more.

Some of those who posted these reports reminded readers these law-breakers were "doing things that Americans would not do" ; and I began to worry that our own legally-challenged citizenry was being displaced by these invaders : a circumstance that could have grave consequences for our Criminal Justice bureaucracy.

I am relieved to report there is good news from the heartland !

Our first case involves a tow truck driver-accused of drugging and sexually molesting other men.

Next, we have a western Pennsylvania teen ager accused of stabbing a cheerleader to death.

Then we have a Cherry Hill,NJ woman - accused of trying to poison her retired cop husband with anti-freeze. (Brrr !)

Not to be outdone in the poison department,two Colorado gents allegedly planned to murder a debtor by using rattlesnakes. (Ugh !)

As you can see, by this admittedly tiny sample, good old fashioned American enterprise and ingenuity are not dead yet - despite the efforts of Un-American Invaders !!

"Bangalore Torpedo" Torpedoed by Police

Police report they have foiled a bomb plot in Bangalore,and have arrested the members of a 4 man gang : seizing explosives, detonators, and a revolver.

There have been a number of explosive stories in the news of late: a man targeted in Georgia by a truck bomb-(It went off, but he is still alive.)-small explosive devices planted in a wide variety of US locations-(all, IMHO,the work of bored young people,and/or disturbed older ones.)

Overseas there have been a large number of rather serious terror bombings, which did not make it to the front page because there was no Iraqi War angle to be exploited.(One-a train bombing- occurred in Russia-and came very close to becoming a major catastrophe, as the train was crossing a bridge.)

There have also been a sizeable number of foiled bombings : prevented by observant people.

We in the United States have been privileged to have been spared much of the bombing that goes on around the world on a daily basis - BUT - having been lucky so far does not mean we are immune !

Alarming Anthrax Incident in Mississippi

A student-working in a fairly safe biolab (BSL-3) was transferring an Anthrax culture to a flask when the flask broke.

Cleanup was carried out without incident, and the student was given precautionary treatment and released. The public does not appear to have been endangered at any time; however, it is expected the "usual hue and cry" will arise from those who wish the US to avoid any experimentation with possible bio-agents, while turning a blind eye to outright weaponization by other governments.

As usual, there will be a germ of truth (pun intended) in the opposition outcry: labs are only as safe as the least safe worker assigned to them. In Britain, for example,careless handling led to the "release" of Foot and Mouth virus : an outbreak of which had near-disastrous effects on British livestock just a few years ago.

For heaven's sake, let's be more careful out there !!!

Goose Creek and Washington Refinery Fire : Any Linkage ?

On Saturday.August 4th, two "middle-eastern-looking" men were pulled over near Goose Creek, SC for an alleged motor vehicle infraction. A search of their vehicle is said to have produced a bag containing explosives hidden in the trunk.

Goose Creek is home to a Naval station where nuclear subs are serviced.(This servicing includes the loading and offloading of nuclear weapons and components - enough to make it a "highly sensitive" facility.)

It is also the home of a Navy brig, where terror suspects have been housed; so it is not surprising the FBI was called in, and is investigating the matter.

One of the media reports suggested the two detainees were already under investigation for "an incident in another jurisdiction".

I don't want to cause undue alarm, but can't help wondering if the "incident" so obliquely referred to might have been a major refinery fire in Washington State ?

Last week, there was a refinery fire in Whitley, Washington that caused considerable damage. Reports indicate surveillance cameras spotted two "suspicious males" at the scene immediately before the fire. A second refinery also spotted two suspicious men ,and launched an investigation .

The FBI is reportedly investigating both Washington State incidents , and, of course, Saturday's Goose Creek events. This does not mean there is a linkage ; but increased vigilance would seem well warranted !