The Inside Straight

Ms Rabbit Reviews the World Air Guitar Championship Contest

Ms Rabbit Reviews the Air Guitar Championships

Ms Rabbit has those side-mounted eyes – unlike us predatory Humans who look straight ahead – and you'd think that would affect her reading skills ; but the only difference I've noticed is that she catches all those little “side stories” most of us ignore. Today, she was all hepped up about somebody winning the Air Guitar World Championship.

“You're putting me on !” , I protested . (Rabbits are notorious for fooling Humans. They'll tell you almost anything to avoid becoming a dinner entree !)

“ I saw it right on Yahoo News”, she responded . “ You can check it out for yourself.”

I rolled my eyes, but she went ahead with her yarn.

“It was in Oulu,Finland-right up by the Arctic Circle. And the contest was sponsored by the Teatria Rock Club-though I should think – that far north, they'd have a snowball club.”

I rolled my eyes again. Ms Rabbit likes her little jokes : the stupider the better.

“ A Japanese man named Ochi Yosuke won the contest, beating out Oulu native Hikka ( Gore Kitty) Suvanto, a Frenchman named Guillaume (Moche Pitt) de Tonquedec, an Austrian named Max (Herr Jaquelin) Heller, and an American named Andrew Litz (who calls himself “ William Ocean”, and whose act always ends with a “spectacular back flip onto an empty beer can” , according to the reporter. “

This seemed like quite a bit of detail for a rabbit fabulation - ( I call them “Rabbit Tales” ) - so I asked a question. “ What was the prize ?”

“ It was a good one : a custom made Flying Finn electric guitar- valued at $ 3400. “

“ Huh !”, I exclaimed. “ I wonder what ...what's his name ?”

“ Ochi Yosuke.”

“I wonder what Ochi Yosuke is going to do with an actual guitar ? I wonder if he would even know how to tune it – much less play it.”

Ms Rabbit looked shocked. “ He's a World Champion !”, she exclaimed.

“ I don't know how to break this to you, but Air Guitar players only make believe they are holding a real guitar. They pretend to play a tune that somebody else recorded .

It's sort of like those “boy bands” where they all dance around and lip-synch. Know what I mean ? “

“Gotcha !”, cried Ms Rabbit. “ Woodchuck likes to lip synch “David Seville and the Chipmunks “ stuff. Boy, does he look stupid ,pretending to be Alvin !”

“ And you “, she added, edging closer to the rose bush. “ I've heard you play mandolin – if that's what you want to call it. “

As my jaw dropped, she edged all the way under bush, but I could hear her quite well, thank you !

“When you play “Four Green Fields”, she snickered. “How come it sounds like “Three Blind Mice” ? “

Folks sometimes ask me how I know Ms Rabbit is a “she”. That's easy : She generally gets in the last word, and, when she does, it's a zinger !

Ms Rabbit,Gay Marriage, and Government Grants

Ms Rabbit Learns About Gay Marriage and Government Grants

Ms Rabbit was all in a dither this morning about a news story she had seen on TV.

I've tried to warn her about TV newscasts , which are more about stirring up emotions (thus increasing ratings and revenue) , than they are about imparting facts ; but she sort of tunes me out.

She is also very, very conservative – and hates surprises : traits I attribute to her constant worry about hungry predators - ( not that there's anything wrong with that !)

She was so agitated, she could barely speak; but, after sipping a cup of camomile tea, she settled down enough to tell me what was wrong.

It seems some gays in the little seaside community of Ocean Grove, New Jersey want to celebrate same sex unions – now legally recognized in this state- at the Ocean Grove Pavilion ; but the strictly Methodist Ocean Grove Camp Meeting Association – which owns the Pavilion – is opposed to the idea. The gays want to have the State Division of Human Rights compel the association to permit the ceremonies-even though it violates the Association's religious beliefs.

“ This is interference with freedom of religion !”, Ms Rabbit cried. “ Besides, I find the idea of same sex unions rather ...repugnant. We rabbits follow the ancient teaching : Eat fruit and multiply !”

“ Mmm... I'd heard that. “

As it happens, there was an excellent article in the Home News Tribune by Rick Malwitz http://www.thnt.com about that very subject. Ocean Grove, NJ is a bit of an oddity:

the property on which the town was built is wholly owned by the Ocean Grove Camp Meeting Association : a group formed in 1870 to provide devout Methodists with a seashore resort of their own. The land on which all homes and stores are built is leased to the property holders for $ 10 per year , on 99 year leases. ; but,as Rick points out, home buyers know,before moving in, they are entering an unconventional arrangement.

When it was first started, Ocean Grove was a tent city, but, over the years, tents gave way to summer cottages, and cottages gave way to prime examples of Victorian -style year-round homes.

As time went by, the fine Victorian homes became increasingly shabby; but then a small miracle occurred : gay people found the quiet little town attractive, and began refurbishing the housing stock. This attracted others, and what Malwitz describes as “a thriving gay community” began to take shape. Housing prices increased markedly : inspiring others to follow the property improvement lead of their less conventional neighbors.

I explained all this to Ms Rabbit – who still wanted to know how the State could have any standing to regulate the affairs of a religious group on its own private property.

“It just so happens,” I said, “ Ocean Grove has been the recipient of government grants. They received $ 250,000 from the Federal government to repair the boardwalk -and-the roof of the Ocean Grove Pavilion ,following a 1992 hurricane; and they are still receiving a $ 500,000 a year tax break from the State under the Green Acres program. Government grants always have certain strings attached . For example, that Green Acres grant encourages the use of private space for public purposes.”

“ So you see”, I concluded. “ It doesn't matter whether you approve or disapprove of same sex unions – because – as a matter of law, they have already been approved by the State as having legitimate public purpose ; and the State has been paying for the upkeep of that pavilion.”

Ms Rabbit sniffed indignantly, hopped off to her burrow under the rosebush, and began watching a “Bugs Bunny” cartoon.

( In case you're wondering, I do not provide a cable hookup for her. She has a perfectly good set of rabbit ears.)

Ms Rabbit Reviews the Morning News

Ms Rabbit Reviews the Morning News

Ms Rabbit hopped up to the patio this morning , and waited patiently for me to read her the morning news.

Now you may well ask why I read the newspaper out loud to a rabbit. Be assured I have excellent reasons for doing so !

I used to let her scoot out front and get the paper. That saved me all the searching and stooping , but- between you and me-wiping rabbit saliva off a newspaper is not one of my favorite morning chores !

She also has the detestable habit of registering her disapproval of certain stories by depositing ( How should I put this ?) “rabbit pellets” right on the offending page. As you might imagine, this pretty much spoils any pleasure I might get out of the comics - (Did I mention she hogs them ?) - and doing the crossword puzzle is out of the question !

So this young, single, suburban rabbit and I have reached a compromise : she sits and listens :twitching her ears to show she is alert, munching choice bits of clover, and doing rabbit things with her nose. I sip my coffee and read selected stories aloud. ( By the way, rabbits may like this sort of thing, but most people don't like someone reading to them first thing in the morning-especially when they haven't even had a chance to look at the comics yet. )

Ms Rabbit is also rather...unsophisticated.

This morning , after I read her a story about Presidential Candidate Barack Obama unveiling an exciting new reform plan for lobbyists, she stopped eating, looked at me sidewise in that rabbity way and said : “That sounds like the bi-partisan bill that just passed both houses. The President is expected to sign it into law next week.”

“You don't understand !”, I exclaimed. “ Barack Obama is a reformer , who wants to clean up American politics, by ending the insidious influence of lobbyists.”

“ Oh”, said Ms Rabbit. “ Does that mean he will give up all those campaign contributions from George Soros ? You remember him, don't you ? The billionaire convicted inside trader,who launders his contributions through groups like MoveOn and other “progressive foundations” ,and who bet millions on reducing the value of the American dollar ?”

“ Listen,” said my furry companion. “ I gotta run ; but first...” She squatted briefly, then took off like a flash.

Damn ! I wish she would at least move off the patio before leaving her “letters to the editor” !!

A Labor Day Morning Conversation With Ms Rabbit

It was about 5:30 AM , and just starting to get light when Ms Rabbit hopped up to join me on the patio.

She's a young suburban single who like to stop by, nibble a little clover or dandelion ,and chat for a while.I do most of the talking,because she's usually too polite to talk with her mouth full. She mostly sits there munching, and doing rabbit things with her nose and ears - but this morning she had some questions.

"Are you planning to write something about Labor Day ? ", she wondered. " You know: the usual stuff about how much we love and respect THE AMERICAN WORKER - especially right before elections ; and how we are so indebted to our Workers that we ship the really tedious and monotonous jobs overseas so our Workers won't have to do them ?"

Ms Rabbit ,feigning disinterest in my answer, located a juicy dock leaf, and began nibbling : glancing slyly at me out of the corner of her eye.

"Ummm...," I responded. " That's kind of a tricky question. Outsourcing, trade relationships with developing nations,new realities in the Global Age...I'm going to have to get back to you on that one."

" Umm..,yourself !", she snapped." I think you're ducking and dodging ! "  (This statement came out a bit muffled, because she still had a mouthful of leaf.)

"Look at who's talking about ducking and dodging !" , I scoffed. " I saw what you did when that black and white cat showed up last week !"

" Oh. That's it: you're going to attack the messenger now !"

She twitched her nose . " Well ? Nothing to say ??"

"Hassenpfeffer !" , I hissed.

There was a brief pause while she Googled the word on her little BunniPod ; then she was gone: moving like a bolt of brown and white lightning across the yard.

Call me an old grouch, but -If there's anything I can't stand first thing in the morning, it's a smartass rabbit !!

Happy Labor Day !

Much High Definition Ado About Nothing

It has been a very ...uninspiring morning so far,and, out of sheer boredom, I decided to watch the much-touted High Definition channels on TV.

Wow ! Very clear images of Flipper !

Flipper ?

Tell me this isn't a “Flipper” re-run I'm watching !

But it is, and here's this critter: poking its head above water, and clicking and chirping away,in an effort to lure two pre-adolescent boys into investigating a boat somebody has concealed with branches.

There is obviously some sort of inter-species thing going on , and, much as I defend the right of others to make alternative lifestyle choices,this looks a bit “fishy”-if you get my drift. Time to change channels.

Here we go: “Charmed” in HD format. ( Attractive 20-something-posing-as-teen-age witch has relationship conflicts with assorted attractive males and females : some of whom also have “powers”.)

Commercials were much better than the plot – which is identical to the non-HD version !

European Sports (click),game show (click), art gallery (click) ......ah, movies !

“Return of the Living Dead” - something about zombies in Kentucky . I wonder why the young woman keeps walking downstairs and calling out “Who's there ?” after hearing suspicious noises downstairs ?? (Click).

Tail end of an Italian language film. English sub-titles – dialog incomprehensible anyway.

Aha ! Martial arts film...in Greek; English sub-titles – dialog even more incomprehensible than the action. ( Lots of cinema noir camera technique , which serves to make the film even more confusing...click !)

Then I remember: my computer screen is High Definition too ! What's shakin' on Yahoo ??

Ummm... Not much. How about celebrities.

Hey: here's something about Brad Pitt.

http://omg.yahoo.com/brangelina-in-chicago/photos/445;_ylt=ArMUBnCMCPK4pKe3yZo8g06Apxx.

He's depicted stepping off a private jet in Chicago with one of the “Brangelina” kiddies.

Wait a second ! Isn't that the same Brad Pitt described as being devoted to “Green” save-the-environment construction here ?

http://omg.yahoo.com/brad-pitt-stops-by-green-project-site/news/1892;_ylt=AlzTraaHl0ETNWB_HY4VnIyApxx.

Q. What is he doing on an environment-destroying private jet ??

A. Brad is a celebrity, silly ! He's allowed to destroy anything he wants !!

In HD , no less !

Some Women Seeking "Trophy Husbands"

I'm really way too recently bereaved to go searching for a new "mate" ; but , having run across a "Personals" section in Yahoo , I was curious enough to post a profile and see what sorts of women were seeking mates, and what sorts of mates they were seeking.

(Note to family members: I am allowed to do this. Really !!)

Some of the women who posted photos were fairly attractive : quite capable of turning male heads , although in their early 60s.

A random sampling of four of these "prime candidates" showed certain commonalities:

All were divorced.

All were physically fit - and proud of it.

All four were politically "liberal" - (one rather stridently so.)

All were seeking younger men , with good education , no dependents , and an income of at least $ 100,000. per year.

Candidates had to meet certain height requirements , be physically trim, and be "able to keep up with" their prospective partners ...without the aid of prescription medicines. (Yes, there would be a test !)

They would also be expected to squire these ladies to the ballet, the opera , and to important fund-raising events . Trips abroad , sailing , and other such activities would,of course, be a given.

They would, in short be Trophy Husbands : carefully selected to set off milady's persona in a variety of settings.

(Note to family members: You really didn't have to laugh that hard at the notion of me becoming a Trophy Husband !)

Mothers' Day - 2007

Sunday will be Mothers' Day : the first Mothers' Day I have spent without my wife - the late and beloved GGG (Great Granny Grumbles) -in 50 years.

I have lost a wife-and my children have lost their mother. Tomorrow will be difficult for all of us ; so today, I'm going to drive "downstate" , be with as many of them as possible , and offer some measure of comfort and support .

Me ? I'm trying to rebuild my life: a little blogging , a little community activism , plus a bit of this and that. I'm trying to teach myself how to play  Dobro , for example. (Yes, Lawyers, I know: Dobro is a Registered Trademark of the Gibson Guitar Company. Sheesh !)

Cooking and housekeeping are nothing new for me. I was doing them for about 4 years, during GGG's illness ; so what I'm doing now is just a continuation ...plus-it helps pass the time to figure out new and (hopefully better) ways of doing things. 

The human spirit is elastic , and I know - in time - we will all adapt , and set aside our pain long enough to move on ; but the " emotional landmines" are still out there . I've lost count of the number of times I've managed to stumble on one of the invisible trip wires-but I'm slowly getting better at skirting the edges of that particular minefield .

So tomorrow, if your Mom, or the mother of your children is still with you, please set some time aside to cherish her - even if you have had your differences in the past.

There may never be a better time.

Carlita Has Perfect WHAT ??

Today, thanks to the magic of e mail marketing - ( which some dismiss crudely as "spam" ) - I learned for the very first time that CARLITA HAS PERFECT ( Oh, my ! I can't use that word ! )

Let me try this again: CARLITA IS MAMMARY - GIFTED . ( Can we say that ? )

I don't know. It lacks something. How about : CARLITA IS WELL QUALIFIED FOR MEMBERSHIP IN LA LECHE LEAGUE -  which is not meant to imply she should be restrained from self-actualization; even in a viciously patriarchal society ; by reason of her self-evident nurturing potential.

Not bad, but a little wordy. Let's think this through...

1. Why did the spam person wish to tell us about Carlita ?
2. How did the spam person select people to tell ? ( A study of life achievements, academic credentials, participation in socially conscious movements ? )
3. Once we have learned about Carlita, in what socially-responsible manner are we supposed to use this information ?

Oh dear ! There are far too many issues requiring careful study here, so I'd better skip this one and check my other mail. Here we go: "BUBBLE BUTT BONNIE WANTS YOU "

Hmmmmmm............

Imus and "Relative Morality"

I have been seeing a lot of dreck on "the Net" of late - most of it from people who should know better-attempting to justify  radio personality Don Imus' crude remarks about the Rutgers Womens' Basketball team.

One frequently-seen argument is that black people (who should know better) often use similar or worse racial epithets when talking about themselves.

Another argument is that some prominent black people (who should also know better) have made disparging , openly racist remarks about people who are not black.

Both of these arguments are based on the concept of "relative morality" : If someone says something hurtful and offensive , everyone should feel free to respond in kind - seemingly without limits.

Relative morality -applied in this fashion - is just a flimsy excuse to take the civil out of civilized conduct.

Imus took the concept a bit further: He took the civil out of civilization for the sake of ratings and profit.

His immediate reward was a two week suspension ... but it is almost a given that his ratings will now skyrocket .

If one of the basketball players dismissed as a "nappy-headed ho'" was your daughter,or sister, or niece,or grandchild , how would you feel about that turn of events ?

Stop Searching for Your "Inner Child" !!

A decade or so ago,some prominent members of the Mental Health community -who certainly should have known better-began urging Americans to " get in touch with your inner child ".

Regrettably , large numbers of people took this advice to heart ; but the majority got in touch with their "inner brat" - and we are now inundated with hordes of self-involved ,thoroughly spoiled, altogether intolerable " inner children " !

These inner children tend to talk about themselves , and they expect others to listen attentively while they describe THEIR (usually petty) woes, THEIR clothing, THEIR hair,THEIR high-speed toys,THEIR most intimate ailments.

Here's an example my son gave me. A mother,shopping in a department store,held a loud conversation with her daughter about the daughter's yeast infection. In order to hear better over the store noises, the devoted Mom made use of the "speaker phone" feature : thus treating all and sundry to both sides of the conversation.

Here's another example. The New Jersey Legislature is actually considering a bill which would prohibit the use of "text messaging" while operating a motor vehicle. Numerous police officers testified they had seen people steering cars with their knees - while using both hands to "text"...during rush hour...in a 65 mph zone...in blinding rain and snow .

Then there is the whole Cell Phone Cult.

Everywhere you look,everywhere you go (especially in "no cell phone" areas) you will find people engaged in loud, animated cell phone conversations. Are they negotiating peace in the Middle East ? Discussing the intricacies of a piece of research that will change the world forever? Sealing the Deal of the Century ?

Nope. They are talking - for the most part - about themselves : about their "inner child".

You don't have to look too far or too long at our society to see what happens when adults revert to bratty attitudes and behavior; and you don't have to be a wild-eyed prophet to know no good can come of it .

America, it's time - no - it's PAST time to discover your Inner ADULT !